Tarot Cards

Eye Kreme

WTF?!

Test Results

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.



A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Do You Like to Read?

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and
continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside
the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that
obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left........ .....

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can
also think.

10 India Most Beautiful Roads

Ahtong, Sikkim.


Almora, Uttaranchal


Corbert Park Pathway


Dalhousie


Gulmarg


Manali Pass


Nainital, Uttaranchal


Numaligarh , Assam


Ooty


Patratu valley, Jharkhand

Lesson: Before Marriage

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations.

So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased; you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Work vs Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you..
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open
all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON.. they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

Beautiful Scotland

A Dog Named Sex

When I went to City hall to renew my dog's license , I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I'd like one ,too

Then I said "but this is a dog "

He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said you don't understand . I've had sex since I was nine years old. ' He winked at me and said "you must have been quite a Kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon ,I took my dog with me . I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife ,and a special room for Sex. He said , You don't need a special room for Sex . He said as long as you pay your bill , we don't care what you do.

I said look, you don't seem to understand . Sex keeps me awake at night.

The clerk said " Funny I seem to have the same problem"

Well one day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began , The dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed , I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He said Wonderful! If you sell tickets you will clean up

But up don't understand, I want to have Sex on TV. He said "They already have Sex on cable. Its no big deal anymore.

Well me and my wife decided to separate so we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said to the judge , " Your honor "I had sex before I was married" The judge said that " the court is not a confessional. "

Please stick to the facts" Then I told him after I was married Sex left me. He said "Me too"

. Well last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over town for him, A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning ? " I said "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up on Friday

Oriental Massage

A guy was on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel. When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage". So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages.

About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage. He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets a huge boner. She told him to turn over and when he does she sees his cock standing to attention.

So she giggles and says "Ahh, you want wanky!"

So he says "Oooh, yes!"

So she runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says "You finished yet?"

It'll make you smile

Bob joins a Nudist Colony

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.. ...

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day

There Were Not Born To Be Worn

It is quite disturbing for me, but anyway, the fact is there. Animals, there were not born to be worn. Now, imagine if you are skinned and people wearing your skin.
Disturbin', ain't it?

千年缘分一世等待

This is also yet another great story to be shared for those who could read Chinese.

千年前有座缘因寺，许多人上香拜佛，香火很旺。在寺前的横梁上有个蜘蛛网，每天都受到香火和虔诚的祭拜的熏托，蛛蛛便有了佛性。

忽然有一天，佛祖光临，看见这里香火甚旺，十分高兴。离开寺庙的时候，不轻易间抬头，看见了横梁上的蜘蛛。佛停下来，问这只蜘蛛：“你我相见总算是有缘，我问你，修炼一千多年，有什么感悟？”“世间什么才是最珍贵的？”蜘蛛想了想，回答：“最珍贵的是‘得不到和已失去’。”佛祖点头离开。

又过了一千年，蜘蛛依旧在横梁上修炼，它佛性大增。一日，佛祖又来，对蜘蛛说：“一千年前的那个问题，你可有什么更深的认识？”蜘蛛说：“世间最珍贵的是‘得不到和已失去’。”佛主说：“你再想我会再来。”

又过了千年，有一天刮起了大风，风将一滴露珠吹到网上。蜘蛛望着露珠，见它晶莹透亮很漂亮，顿生喜爱之意。蜘蛛每天看着露珠很开心，它觉得这是三千年来最开心的几天。突然，又刮起了一阵大风，将露珠吹走。蜘蛛一下子觉得失去了什么，感到很寂寞和难过。这时佛祖又来了，蜘蛛的回答还是一样，佛祖说：“好，既然你有这样的认识，我让你到人间走一趟。”

蜘蛛投胎一个官宦人家，成了富家小姐，取名蛛儿。一晃蛛儿十六了，成了婀娜多姿少女楚楚动人。

一日，新科状元露珠，皇帝决定为他举行庆功宴。来了许多妙龄少女包括蛛儿，还有皇帝的小公主长风公主。但蛛儿一点也不紧张，因为她知道，这是佛主赐予她的姻缘。 过了些日子，说来很巧，蛛儿陪同母亲上香拜佛的时候，正好露珠也陪同母亲而来。上完香拜过佛，二位长者在一边说上了话。蛛儿和露珠聊天，蛛儿很开心，终于可以和喜欢的人在一起了，但是露珠并没有表现出对她的喜爱。蛛儿对露珠说：“你难道不曾记得十六年前，缘因寺蜘蛛网上的事情吗？”露珠很诧异，不解的和母亲离去。

蛛儿回到家，心想佛祖既然安排了，为何不让他记得那件事，露珠为何对我没有一点的感觉？几天后，皇帝下召，命露珠和长风公主完婚；蛛儿和太子青草完婚。这一消息对蛛儿如同晴空霹雳，她怎么也想不通，佛祖竟然这样对她。几日来，她不吃不喝，生命危在旦夕。太子青草知道了，急忙赶来扑倒在床边，对奄奄一息的蛛儿说道：“那日，在后花园中，我对你一见钟情，苦求父皇他才答应。如果你死了，那么我也就不活了。”说着拿起宝剑准备自刎。

就在这一刻，佛祖来了，他对快要离去的蛛儿说：“你可曾想过，露珠是谁带到你的网中？是风带来的，最后也是风将它带走。露珠是属于长风公主，他对你不过是生命中的一段插曲。而太子青草是当年缘因寺门前的一棵小草，他看了你三千年，爱了你三千年，但你却从没有低下头看过它。蜘蛛我再来问你，世间什么才是最珍贵的？”蜘蛛听了真相，一下子大彻大吾，对佛祖说：“世间最珍贵的不是‘得不到’和‘已失去’，而是现在能把握的幸福。”说完，佛祖离开了，蛛儿看到正要自刎的太子青草，她马上打落宝剑，和太子深深的抱着……

故事结束，你能领会蛛儿最后一刻所说的话吗？“世间最珍贵的不是‘得不到和已失去’，而是现在能把握的幸福，才是最幸福的。

修炼一千年的女孩

I found this story very meaningful, whereby it touched my emotion. For those that could read chinese, do comment on what you think about the story below.

有个美丽的年轻女孩，出身豪门，家产丰厚，又多才多艺，许多媒婆都给她介绍男朋友，她家的门槛都快给踩烂了，但她一直没有动过心，因为她觉得这些都不是她真正想要嫁的人。

直到有一天，她去一个庙会散心，于万千拥挤的人群中，看见了一个英俊的男子，不用多说什么，反正女孩觉得那个男人就是她苦苦等待的那一位了。可惜，庙会人太多，太拥挤,她无法接近他，只能眼睁睁的看着他消失在人群中。后来的两年时间里，女孩四处去寻找、打听，但这个人就好象从人间蒸发了一样，消失得无影无踪了。万般无奈，女孩只好每天向佛祖祈祷，希望能再见到那个男人。

她的诚心打动了佛祖，佛祖显灵了。
佛祖问道："你真的想再看到那个男人吗？"
女孩答道："是的！我只想再看他一眼！"
佛祖道："那你不得不放弃你现在的一切，包括爱你的家人和你富足、幸福的生活。"
女孩道："只要能再见他一眼，我能放弃！"
佛祖道："你还必须孤独寂寞地修炼五百年。你也愿意吗？"
女孩坚定地回答："我愿意！"

就这样，女孩变成了一块大石头，躺在荒郊野外，近五百年的风吹雨打，日晒雨淋，实在苦不堪言，更难受的是这么多年没有一个人经过，她心里感到万分的寂寞。但女孩坚强地忍受着，因为她心里装着一个希望。
最后一年，一个采石队来了，看中了这块巨大，把她凿成一块条状石头，运进了城里，镶嵌在一座石桥上，变成了石桥的一个护栏。
就在石桥建成的第一天，女孩终于见到了那个她等了五百年的男人！他行色匆匆，象有什么急事，很快地从石桥的正中走过了。可惜，他根本没有，也不会发觉有一块石头正目不转睛地望著他——男人又一次很快消失了。

这时，佛祖再次出现。
佛祖问女孩道："你满意了吗？"
女孩说："不！要是我能摸到他一下就好了！"
佛祖说："你要想摸他一下，那你还得再修炼五百年！"
女孩答道："我愿意！"
佛祖问："你吃了这么多苦，难道不后悔？"
女孩说："不后悔！"

于是，女孩变成了一棵大树，屹立在一条人来人往的官道上，这里每天都有很多人经过，女孩每天都在这里观望。实际上这比以前更令她难受，因为无数次满怀希望的看见一个人走来，又无数次希望被破灭。要不是有前五百年的修炼，女孩恐怕早就崩溃了！日子一天天的过去，女孩的心逐渐平静，她知道，不到最后一天，他是不会出现的。
又是一个五百年啊！最后一天，女孩知道他会来了，但她的心竟然不再激动。

来了！他来了！他还是穿著他最喜欢的白色长衫，脸还是那么俊美，女孩痴痴地望著他。这一次，他没有急匆匆的走过，因为，天太热了。他注意到路边有一棵大树，那浓密的树荫很诱人，休息一下吧，他这样想。他走到大树脚下，靠著树根，轻轻的闭上了双眼，他睡著了。女孩摸到他了！他就靠在她的身边！但是，她无法告诉他，这千年的相思与寂寞的煎熬！她只有尽力把树荫聚集起来，为他挡住毒辣的阳光。千年的柔情啊，却无处述说！满怀的相思呀，却无法表达！男人只是小睡了一刻，因为他还有事要办，他站起身来，拍拍长衫上的灰尘，在动身的前一刻，他回头看了看这棵大树，又轻轻地抚摸了一下树干，大概是为了感谢大树为他带来的一阵子清凉吧。然后，他头也不回地走了！

就在他消失在她的视线的那一刻，佛祖又出现了。
佛祖问："你还有什么要求？如果想要做他的妻子，那你还得继续修炼。"
女孩平静地说："不必了。"
佛祖问："为什么？"
女孩道："我终于发现，我这样做根本就是得不偿失。也许我应该有其他可以爱的人。"
就在这一刻，女孩发现佛祖轻轻地叹了一口气，或者更恰当地说是，佛祖轻轻地松了一口气。
女孩有几分诧异："佛祖也有心事？"
这时，佛祖的脸上绽开了一个美丽安详的笑容，说道：因为你的这个决定，有个男孩可以少等一千年了——他为了能够看你一眼，已经修炼了整整两千年！"

生命总是平等的、奇妙的，以一种我们了解或是不了解的方式演绎着、延续着。
天地间万事万物，不过都是因缘和合而已，心生则种种法生，心灭则种种法灭。人生的聚散、喜恶，不过也是因与缘的作用罢了。
问世间情为何物？直叫人愁肠寸断，相思入骨。想通了，其实那也不过是镜花水月，一场幽梦呀！
朋友，请珍惜你现在所拥有的一切！ 不要总是为了一些得不到的东西而感慨和伤感！不要去追求一些虚幻的浪漫和自以为是的幸福——生活是平实的，也许“平平淡淡才是真
抬起头来，现在就是最美好的一天！

*THE GREAT DATE*

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates,and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face,"You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"