A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker,
She learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on
The intercom and boomed out for all the store to
Hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the
Store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over
The intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN
WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH
A HAMMER?"
Monday, October 30, 2006
It's this man's 33rd Birthday.
He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "
Well, have a good day," says the worker.
"Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady,
"I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes,
I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.
After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it."
After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed.
"I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.
Well, have a good day," says the worker.
"Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady,
"I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes,
I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.
After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it."
After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed.
"I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.
Pecans In The Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are do wn at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
Smile, God Loves You!!!
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are do wn at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
Smile, God Loves You!!!
Blonde: Birth control pills.
A blonde teenage girl says to her doctor, "You
prescribed me birth control pills."
"And how is it going?"
"I think it's ok, but I'd like to have them bigger."
The doctor was surprised, "You mean stronger?"
"No. Bigger, please."
"But why BIGGER?"
"Because they keep falling out."
prescribed me birth control pills."
"And how is it going?"
"I think it's ok, but I'd like to have them bigger."
The doctor was surprised, "You mean stronger?"
"No. Bigger, please."
"But why BIGGER?"
"Because they keep falling out."
It could have been worse!
There was an old country sheriff who always said "it could have been worse!" no matter what happened, he always said that.
One day, two deputies in the sheriffs office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man & a woman on the floor in the bedroom. they had been shot to death!
When they went to the living room, they found a man dead on the floor, a gun by his side. "no doubt about it" one deputy said to the other, this was a double murder & suicide.
This guy came home & found his wife in bed with another man & shot them both! Then he shot himself.
"You're right," the other deputy replied, double murder & suicide, but I`ll bet when the sheriff gets here, he's gonna say, "it could have been worse"!
No way the other deputy said, there are 3 people shot to death here, how could it be worse? You're on!
About that time the old sheriff arrived at the scene, he walked in & saw all the bodies. "no doubt about it, it was a double murder & suicide, the guy came home, found his wife in bed with another man, & shot them both, then he shot himself." After hesitating a moment, the old sheriff said, "but you know, it could have been worse!"
The deputy that lost the bet jumped up & shouted "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are 3 people in this farmhouse, & all 3 of them are dead, so it couldn't have been any worse!"
"Yes it could, the sheriff retorted. You see that guy on the floor? If he
had come home yesterday, that would have been me on the bedroom floor!!"
One day, two deputies in the sheriffs office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man & a woman on the floor in the bedroom. they had been shot to death!
When they went to the living room, they found a man dead on the floor, a gun by his side. "no doubt about it" one deputy said to the other, this was a double murder & suicide.
This guy came home & found his wife in bed with another man & shot them both! Then he shot himself.
"You're right," the other deputy replied, double murder & suicide, but I`ll bet when the sheriff gets here, he's gonna say, "it could have been worse"!
No way the other deputy said, there are 3 people shot to death here, how could it be worse? You're on!
About that time the old sheriff arrived at the scene, he walked in & saw all the bodies. "no doubt about it, it was a double murder & suicide, the guy came home, found his wife in bed with another man, & shot them both, then he shot himself." After hesitating a moment, the old sheriff said, "but you know, it could have been worse!"
The deputy that lost the bet jumped up & shouted "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are 3 people in this farmhouse, & all 3 of them are dead, so it couldn't have been any worse!"
"Yes it could, the sheriff retorted. You see that guy on the floor? If he
had come home yesterday, that would have been me on the bedroom floor!!"
Dear Employees: Try Saying
Edit: When you got no other choice, use the "INSTEAD OF". Heheh...
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.
TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?
TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.
TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.
TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?
TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.
TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
$15.00
He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees.
But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter.
He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you PEE through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees.
But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter.
He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you PEE through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
Mental Hospital : What time is it?
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers
an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is
late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the
hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do
you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the
ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.
He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's
level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler,
measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates
rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the
pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is
August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets
his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite
remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night,
when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at
my watch."
an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is
late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the
hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do
you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the
ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.
He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's
level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler,
measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates
rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the
pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is
August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets
his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite
remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night,
when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at
my watch."
Management Lesson : Business Entirety
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Why Is It
Edit: Females please don't be offensed. I just think that the question below is interesting.
Why is it that a woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into an inch diameter vagina in pitch black darkness withoutlooking and cannot park a 6 foot car in a 10 foot parking spot in broad daylight?
Why is it that a woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into an inch diameter vagina in pitch black darkness withoutlooking and cannot park a 6 foot car in a 10 foot parking spot in broad daylight?
Friday, October 27, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Bad Memory
A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might have to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"
Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries. "
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cakewith strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"
Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries. "
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cakewith strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
Sunday, October 22, 2006
A man with no bad habits...
A man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money. Suddenly an idea struck him.
He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar. The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar. The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good". The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver". The man smiled again.
He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone". As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no Bad habits looks like."
He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar. The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar. The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good". The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver". The man smiled again.
He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone". As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no Bad habits looks like."
Daughter and His Fiance
A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.
The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.
"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Do n't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God!"
The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.
"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Do n't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God!"
Thirsty in Desert
Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking
along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door.
This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells
the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep
with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The second man
and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women
says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her
eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the
cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.
The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and
agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls
his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some
water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered
corn."
along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door.
This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells
the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep
with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The second man
and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women
says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her
eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the
cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.
The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and
agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls
his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some
water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered
corn."
Farmer's Pig
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take
them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another
farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive
thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the
only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know
if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning,
they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try
again.
This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he
was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please
look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of
them is honking the horn."
them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another
farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive
thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the
only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know
if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning,
they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try
again.
This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he
was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please
look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of
them is honking the horn."
U also want to try?
Girl: See? They are so romantic.
Girl: You also learn from them, can or not?
Guy: I'm also thinking about it, but i don't dare!
Girl: Show your courage! As a man, you must do what you are thinkin in your mind!
Guy: Alright! I'll show you my courage!
Malaysian driver : Which one are you?
BrotherLuc: This is a good one, especially if you are from Malaysia.
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: IPOH driver.
2. One hand on wheel, one hand out the window with cigarette: KEPONG
driver.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang, foot solidly on accelerator: JOHOR driver.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, hands-free on the lap: BANGSAR driver.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA.
7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one kn ee on wheel, talking on cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SUBANG JAYA DRIVER.....on the
Federal Highway!!!
8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers head rest, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing
rambutans or durian shells out the window: KARAK HIGHWAY ; KUANTAN driver.
9. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, READY-TO-KILL attitude, rear window stickers read "Make my day", beer cans on floor, wedding ribbon still attached to antenna: CONSTRUCTION SITE....PUCHONG driver!
10.One hand on the handphone, another hand picking nose, One leg on the dash board, another leg crossed on the seat with a beer can in the middle ~ turning anywhere he likes, parking anywhere he likes, in
fact, driving anywhere he likes. aaahhh..... this is a heaven for drivers......welcome to PENANG!
11. Two hands gripping tightly to the wheel, eyes glued on the windscreen, alternately stepping on the accelerator and brakes every 5 seconds. WOMAN
DRIVER!
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: IPOH driver.
2. One hand on wheel, one hand out the window with cigarette: KEPONG
driver.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang, foot solidly on accelerator: JOHOR driver.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, hands-free on the lap: BANGSAR driver.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA.
7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one kn ee on wheel, talking on cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SUBANG JAYA DRIVER.....on the
Federal Highway!!!
8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers head rest, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing
rambutans or durian shells out the window: KARAK HIGHWAY ; KUANTAN driver.
9. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, READY-TO-KILL attitude, rear window stickers read "Make my day", beer cans on floor, wedding ribbon still attached to antenna: CONSTRUCTION SITE....PUCHONG driver!
10.One hand on the handphone, another hand picking nose, One leg on the dash board, another leg crossed on the seat with a beer can in the middle ~ turning anywhere he likes, parking anywhere he likes, in
fact, driving anywhere he likes. aaahhh..... this is a heaven for drivers......welcome to PENANG!
11. Two hands gripping tightly to the wheel, eyes glued on the windscreen, alternately stepping on the accelerator and brakes every 5 seconds. WOMAN
DRIVER!
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Dieing
Edit: Now this is a good one, which makes me laugh after reading the last sentence. Enjoy!
Joe's wife was sick. Very sick. None of the doctors could figure out
what was wrong with her. He was about to go into her room and visit her when her doctor approached him. The doctor said: "These might be her last few days, so you should do whatever she asks of you, so that she
may die happy."
Well... Joe thought this over and decided that that was a
great idea. He went in and they talked for about 3 hours.
After awhile he asked her if there was anything that he
could do for her. She thought for a little bit and said,
"Make love to me. Eat my pussy.... Fuck me like you
never have before..." He thought this was a little much in
her condition, but since It might be one of the last times
he sees her he decided to comply.
The next day he came in, and her doctor said that she
was much better, and he should do whatever he did
yesterday. Well.. he walked in and they talked, and she requested they
make passionate love again, and again he complied.
After about 5 days of this she had fully recovered, and
was able to go home. She walked into the living room to
find that Joe was crying. She said, "What's the matter?
I'm fine now. You have nothing to worry about." He
replied, "I know, but all this time I can't stop thinking
that I could have saved Mom!"
Joe's wife was sick. Very sick. None of the doctors could figure out
what was wrong with her. He was about to go into her room and visit her when her doctor approached him. The doctor said: "These might be her last few days, so you should do whatever she asks of you, so that she
may die happy."
Well... Joe thought this over and decided that that was a
great idea. He went in and they talked for about 3 hours.
After awhile he asked her if there was anything that he
could do for her. She thought for a little bit and said,
"Make love to me. Eat my pussy.... Fuck me like you
never have before..." He thought this was a little much in
her condition, but since It might be one of the last times
he sees her he decided to comply.
The next day he came in, and her doctor said that she
was much better, and he should do whatever he did
yesterday. Well.. he walked in and they talked, and she requested they
make passionate love again, and again he complied.
After about 5 days of this she had fully recovered, and
was able to go home. She walked into the living room to
find that Joe was crying. She said, "What's the matter?
I'm fine now. You have nothing to worry about." He
replied, "I know, but all this time I can't stop thinking
that I could have saved Mom!"
Words Women Use
I found out that statements below are quite true. If you don't really mix around with women, get to know them first off by reading the text below:
FINE
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and you need to shut up
FIVE MINUTES
if she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is
only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to
watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
this is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually
end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
this is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
this is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make
to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
a woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say
you're welcome.
Last but not least...
Whenever a woman says to you:
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying *! #@ YOU
FINE
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and you need to shut up
FIVE MINUTES
if she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is
only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to
watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
this is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually
end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
this is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
this is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make
to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
a woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say
you're welcome.
Last but not least...
Whenever a woman says to you:
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying *! #@ YOU
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