Tarot Cards

Eye Kreme

WTF?!

Test Results

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.



A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Do You Like to Read?

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and
continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside
the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that
obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left........ .....

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can
also think.

10 India Most Beautiful Roads

Ahtong, Sikkim.


Almora, Uttaranchal


Corbert Park Pathway


Dalhousie


Gulmarg


Manali Pass


Nainital, Uttaranchal


Numaligarh , Assam


Ooty


Patratu valley, Jharkhand

Lesson: Before Marriage

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations.

So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased; you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Work vs Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you..
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open
all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON.. they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

Beautiful Scotland

A Dog Named Sex

When I went to City hall to renew my dog's license , I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I'd like one ,too

Then I said "but this is a dog "

He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said you don't understand . I've had sex since I was nine years old. ' He winked at me and said "you must have been quite a Kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon ,I took my dog with me . I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife ,and a special room for Sex. He said , You don't need a special room for Sex . He said as long as you pay your bill , we don't care what you do.

I said look, you don't seem to understand . Sex keeps me awake at night.

The clerk said " Funny I seem to have the same problem"

Well one day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began , The dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed , I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He said Wonderful! If you sell tickets you will clean up

But up don't understand, I want to have Sex on TV. He said "They already have Sex on cable. Its no big deal anymore.

Well me and my wife decided to separate so we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said to the judge , " Your honor "I had sex before I was married" The judge said that " the court is not a confessional. "

Please stick to the facts" Then I told him after I was married Sex left me. He said "Me too"

. Well last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over town for him, A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning ? " I said "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up on Friday

Oriental Massage

A guy was on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel. When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage". So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages.

About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage. He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets a huge boner. She told him to turn over and when he does she sees his cock standing to attention.

So she giggles and says "Ahh, you want wanky!"

So he says "Oooh, yes!"

So she runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says "You finished yet?"

It'll make you smile

Bob joins a Nudist Colony

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.. ...

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day

There Were Not Born To Be Worn

It is quite disturbing for me, but anyway, the fact is there. Animals, there were not born to be worn. Now, imagine if you are skinned and people wearing your skin.
Disturbin', ain't it?

千年缘分一世等待

This is also yet another great story to be shared for those who could read Chinese.

千年前有座缘因寺，许多人上香拜佛，香火很旺。在寺前的横梁上有个蜘蛛网，每天都受到香火和虔诚的祭拜的熏托，蛛蛛便有了佛性。

忽然有一天，佛祖光临，看见这里香火甚旺，十分高兴。离开寺庙的时候，不轻易间抬头，看见了横梁上的蜘蛛。佛停下来，问这只蜘蛛：“你我相见总算是有缘，我问你，修炼一千多年，有什么感悟？”“世间什么才是最珍贵的？”蜘蛛想了想，回答：“最珍贵的是‘得不到和已失去’。”佛祖点头离开。

又过了一千年，蜘蛛依旧在横梁上修炼，它佛性大增。一日，佛祖又来，对蜘蛛说：“一千年前的那个问题，你可有什么更深的认识？”蜘蛛说：“世间最珍贵的是‘得不到和已失去’。”佛主说：“你再想我会再来。”

又过了千年，有一天刮起了大风，风将一滴露珠吹到网上。蜘蛛望着露珠，见它晶莹透亮很漂亮，顿生喜爱之意。蜘蛛每天看着露珠很开心，它觉得这是三千年来最开心的几天。突然，又刮起了一阵大风，将露珠吹走。蜘蛛一下子觉得失去了什么，感到很寂寞和难过。这时佛祖又来了，蜘蛛的回答还是一样，佛祖说：“好，既然你有这样的认识，我让你到人间走一趟。”

蜘蛛投胎一个官宦人家，成了富家小姐，取名蛛儿。一晃蛛儿十六了，成了婀娜多姿少女楚楚动人。

一日，新科状元露珠，皇帝决定为他举行庆功宴。来了许多妙龄少女包括蛛儿，还有皇帝的小公主长风公主。但蛛儿一点也不紧张，因为她知道，这是佛主赐予她的姻缘。 过了些日子，说来很巧，蛛儿陪同母亲上香拜佛的时候，正好露珠也陪同母亲而来。上完香拜过佛，二位长者在一边说上了话。蛛儿和露珠聊天，蛛儿很开心，终于可以和喜欢的人在一起了，但是露珠并没有表现出对她的喜爱。蛛儿对露珠说：“你难道不曾记得十六年前，缘因寺蜘蛛网上的事情吗？”露珠很诧异，不解的和母亲离去。

蛛儿回到家，心想佛祖既然安排了，为何不让他记得那件事，露珠为何对我没有一点的感觉？几天后，皇帝下召，命露珠和长风公主完婚；蛛儿和太子青草完婚。这一消息对蛛儿如同晴空霹雳，她怎么也想不通，佛祖竟然这样对她。几日来，她不吃不喝，生命危在旦夕。太子青草知道了，急忙赶来扑倒在床边，对奄奄一息的蛛儿说道：“那日，在后花园中，我对你一见钟情，苦求父皇他才答应。如果你死了，那么我也就不活了。”说着拿起宝剑准备自刎。

就在这一刻，佛祖来了，他对快要离去的蛛儿说：“你可曾想过，露珠是谁带到你的网中？是风带来的，最后也是风将它带走。露珠是属于长风公主，他对你不过是生命中的一段插曲。而太子青草是当年缘因寺门前的一棵小草，他看了你三千年，爱了你三千年，但你却从没有低下头看过它。蜘蛛我再来问你，世间什么才是最珍贵的？”蜘蛛听了真相，一下子大彻大吾，对佛祖说：“世间最珍贵的不是‘得不到’和‘已失去’，而是现在能把握的幸福。”说完，佛祖离开了，蛛儿看到正要自刎的太子青草，她马上打落宝剑，和太子深深的抱着……

故事结束，你能领会蛛儿最后一刻所说的话吗？“世间最珍贵的不是‘得不到和已失去’，而是现在能把握的幸福，才是最幸福的。

修炼一千年的女孩

I found this story very meaningful, whereby it touched my emotion. For those that could read chinese, do comment on what you think about the story below.

有个美丽的年轻女孩，出身豪门，家产丰厚，又多才多艺，许多媒婆都给她介绍男朋友，她家的门槛都快给踩烂了，但她一直没有动过心，因为她觉得这些都不是她真正想要嫁的人。

直到有一天，她去一个庙会散心，于万千拥挤的人群中，看见了一个英俊的男子，不用多说什么，反正女孩觉得那个男人就是她苦苦等待的那一位了。可惜，庙会人太多，太拥挤,她无法接近他，只能眼睁睁的看着他消失在人群中。后来的两年时间里，女孩四处去寻找、打听，但这个人就好象从人间蒸发了一样，消失得无影无踪了。万般无奈，女孩只好每天向佛祖祈祷，希望能再见到那个男人。

她的诚心打动了佛祖，佛祖显灵了。
佛祖问道："你真的想再看到那个男人吗？"
女孩答道："是的！我只想再看他一眼！"
佛祖道："那你不得不放弃你现在的一切，包括爱你的家人和你富足、幸福的生活。"
女孩道："只要能再见他一眼，我能放弃！"
佛祖道："你还必须孤独寂寞地修炼五百年。你也愿意吗？"
女孩坚定地回答："我愿意！"

就这样，女孩变成了一块大石头，躺在荒郊野外，近五百年的风吹雨打，日晒雨淋，实在苦不堪言，更难受的是这么多年没有一个人经过，她心里感到万分的寂寞。但女孩坚强地忍受着，因为她心里装着一个希望。
最后一年，一个采石队来了，看中了这块巨大，把她凿成一块条状石头，运进了城里，镶嵌在一座石桥上，变成了石桥的一个护栏。
就在石桥建成的第一天，女孩终于见到了那个她等了五百年的男人！他行色匆匆，象有什么急事，很快地从石桥的正中走过了。可惜，他根本没有，也不会发觉有一块石头正目不转睛地望著他——男人又一次很快消失了。

这时，佛祖再次出现。
佛祖问女孩道："你满意了吗？"
女孩说："不！要是我能摸到他一下就好了！"
佛祖说："你要想摸他一下，那你还得再修炼五百年！"
女孩答道："我愿意！"
佛祖问："你吃了这么多苦，难道不后悔？"
女孩说："不后悔！"

于是，女孩变成了一棵大树，屹立在一条人来人往的官道上，这里每天都有很多人经过，女孩每天都在这里观望。实际上这比以前更令她难受，因为无数次满怀希望的看见一个人走来，又无数次希望被破灭。要不是有前五百年的修炼，女孩恐怕早就崩溃了！日子一天天的过去，女孩的心逐渐平静，她知道，不到最后一天，他是不会出现的。
又是一个五百年啊！最后一天，女孩知道他会来了，但她的心竟然不再激动。

来了！他来了！他还是穿著他最喜欢的白色长衫，脸还是那么俊美，女孩痴痴地望著他。这一次，他没有急匆匆的走过，因为，天太热了。他注意到路边有一棵大树，那浓密的树荫很诱人，休息一下吧，他这样想。他走到大树脚下，靠著树根，轻轻的闭上了双眼，他睡著了。女孩摸到他了！他就靠在她的身边！但是，她无法告诉他，这千年的相思与寂寞的煎熬！她只有尽力把树荫聚集起来，为他挡住毒辣的阳光。千年的柔情啊，却无处述说！满怀的相思呀，却无法表达！男人只是小睡了一刻，因为他还有事要办，他站起身来，拍拍长衫上的灰尘，在动身的前一刻，他回头看了看这棵大树，又轻轻地抚摸了一下树干，大概是为了感谢大树为他带来的一阵子清凉吧。然后，他头也不回地走了！

就在他消失在她的视线的那一刻，佛祖又出现了。
佛祖问："你还有什么要求？如果想要做他的妻子，那你还得继续修炼。"
女孩平静地说："不必了。"
佛祖问："为什么？"
女孩道："我终于发现，我这样做根本就是得不偿失。也许我应该有其他可以爱的人。"
就在这一刻，女孩发现佛祖轻轻地叹了一口气，或者更恰当地说是，佛祖轻轻地松了一口气。
女孩有几分诧异："佛祖也有心事？"
这时，佛祖的脸上绽开了一个美丽安详的笑容，说道：因为你的这个决定，有个男孩可以少等一千年了——他为了能够看你一眼，已经修炼了整整两千年！"

生命总是平等的、奇妙的，以一种我们了解或是不了解的方式演绎着、延续着。
天地间万事万物，不过都是因缘和合而已，心生则种种法生，心灭则种种法灭。人生的聚散、喜恶，不过也是因与缘的作用罢了。
问世间情为何物？直叫人愁肠寸断，相思入骨。想通了，其实那也不过是镜花水月，一场幽梦呀！
朋友，请珍惜你现在所拥有的一切！ 不要总是为了一些得不到的东西而感慨和伤感！不要去追求一些虚幻的浪漫和自以为是的幸福——生活是平实的，也许“平平淡淡才是真
抬起头来，现在就是最美好的一天！

*THE GREAT DATE*

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates,and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face,"You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"

Price Tag Incident

A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker,
She learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on
The intercom and boomed out for all the store to
Hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the
Store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over
The intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN
WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH
A HAMMER?"

It's this man's 33rd Birthday.

He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "

Well, have a good day," says the worker.

"Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady,

"I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes,

I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it."

After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed.

"I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

Pecans In The Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are do wn at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Smile, God Loves You!!!

Blonde: Birth control pills.

A blonde teenage girl says to her doctor, "You
prescribed me birth control pills."

"And how is it going?"

"I think it's ok, but I'd like to have them bigger."

The doctor was surprised, "You mean stronger?"

"No. Bigger, please."

"But why BIGGER?"

"Because they keep falling out."

It could have been worse!

There was an old country sheriff who always said "it could have been worse!" no matter what happened, he always said that.

One day, two deputies in the sheriffs office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man & a woman on the floor in the bedroom. they had been shot to death!

When they went to the living room, they found a man dead on the floor, a gun by his side. "no doubt about it" one deputy said to the other, this was a double murder & suicide.

This guy came home & found his wife in bed with another man & shot them both! Then he shot himself.

"You're right," the other deputy replied, double murder & suicide, but I`ll bet when the sheriff gets here, he's gonna say, "it could have been worse"!

No way the other deputy said, there are 3 people shot to death here, how could it be worse? You're on!

About that time the old sheriff arrived at the scene, he walked in & saw all the bodies. "no doubt about it, it was a double murder & suicide, the guy came home, found his wife in bed with another man, & shot them both, then he shot himself." After hesitating a moment, the old sheriff said, "but you know, it could have been worse!"

The deputy that lost the bet jumped up & shouted "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are 3 people in this farmhouse, & all 3 of them are dead, so it couldn't have been any worse!"

"Yes it could, the sheriff retorted. You see that guy on the floor? If he
had come home yesterday, that would have been me on the bedroom floor!!"

Dear Employees: Try Saying

Edit: When you got no other choice, use the "INSTEAD OF". Heheh...

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.

TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?

TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.

TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

$15.00

He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees.

But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter.

He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you PEE through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

Mental Hospital : What time is it?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers
an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is
late or not.

Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the
hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do
you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the
ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.

He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's
level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler,
measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates
rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the
pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is
August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets
his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite
remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night,
when the stick casts no shadow?"

The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at
my watch."

Management Lesson : Business Entirety

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Why Is It

Edit: Females please don't be offensed. I just think that the question below is interesting.

Why is it that a woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into an inch diameter vagina in pitch black darkness withoutlooking and cannot park a 6 foot car in a 10 foot parking spot in broad daylight?

Child Support

Bad Memory

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might have to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries. "

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cakewith strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

A man with no bad habits...

A man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money. Suddenly an idea struck him.

He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar. The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar. The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good". The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver". The man smiled again.

He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone". As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".

The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no Bad habits looks like."

Daughter and His Fiance

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Do n't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God!"

Thirsty in Desert

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking
along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door.
This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells
the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep
with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The second man
and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women
says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her
eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the
cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.
The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and
agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls
his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some
water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered
corn."

Farmer's Pig

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take
them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another
farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive
thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the
only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know
if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning,
they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try
again.

This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he
was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please
look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of
them is honking the horn."

U also want to try?

Girl: See? They are so romantic.

Girl: You also learn from them, can or not?

Guy: I'm also thinking about it, but i don't dare!

Girl: Show your courage! As a man, you must do what you are thinkin in your mind!

Guy: Alright! I'll show you my courage!

Malaysian driver : Which one are you?

BrotherLuc: This is a good one, especially if you are from Malaysia.

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: IPOH driver.

2. One hand on wheel, one hand out the window with cigarette: KEPONG
driver.

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver.

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang, foot solidly on accelerator: JOHOR driver.

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, hands-free on the lap: BANGSAR driver.

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA.

7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one kn ee on wheel, talking on cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SUBANG JAYA DRIVER.....on the
Federal Highway!!!

8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers head rest, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing
rambutans or durian shells out the window: KARAK HIGHWAY ; KUANTAN driver.


9. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, READY-TO-KILL attitude, rear window stickers read "Make my day", beer cans on floor, wedding ribbon still attached to antenna: CONSTRUCTION SITE....PUCHONG driver!

10.One hand on the handphone, another hand picking nose, One leg on the dash board, another leg crossed on the seat with a beer can in the middle ~ turning anywhere he likes, parking anywhere he likes, in
fact, driving anywhere he likes. aaahhh..... this is a heaven for drivers......welcome to PENANG!

11. Two hands gripping tightly to the wheel, eyes glued on the windscreen, alternately stepping on the accelerator and brakes every 5 seconds. WOMAN
DRIVER!

Dieing

Edit: Now this is a good one, which makes me laugh after reading the last sentence. Enjoy!

Joe's wife was sick. Very sick. None of the doctors could figure out
what was wrong with her. He was about to go into her room and visit her when her doctor approached him. The doctor said: "These might be her last few days, so you should do whatever she asks of you, so that she
may die happy."

Well... Joe thought this over and decided that that was a
great idea. He went in and they talked for about 3 hours.
After awhile he asked her if there was anything that he
could do for her. She thought for a little bit and said,
"Make love to me. Eat my pussy.... Fuck me like you
never have before..." He thought this was a little much in
her condition, but since It might be one of the last times
he sees her he decided to comply.

The next day he came in, and her doctor said that she
was much better, and he should do whatever he did
yesterday. Well.. he walked in and they talked, and she requested they
make passionate love again, and again he complied.

After about 5 days of this she had fully recovered, and
was able to go home. She walked into the living room to
find that Joe was crying. She said, "What's the matter?
I'm fine now. You have nothing to worry about." He
replied, "I know, but all this time I can't stop thinking
that I could have saved Mom!"

Words Women Use

I found out that statements below are quite true. If you don't really mix around with women, get to know them first off by reading the text below:

FINE
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and you need to shut up

FIVE MINUTES
if she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is
only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to
watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
this is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually
end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
this is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
this is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make
to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
a woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say
you're welcome.

Last but not least...
Whenever a woman says to you:

"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying *! #@ YOU